Month: April 2020

Take This Job and Shove It

Day One of Google Classroom was expected to be a success. I had glanced over the assignments each child had in advance. I split school hours between both kids, so they would have an hour of school time and and hour of some other time. We started school at 9; by 9:30, I was ready to start drinking.

Which is crazy, because I don’t drink!

Ok…during Coronapocalypse I have taken to enjoying one drink each night, while I make dinner. But Justin said it doesn’t even count, because my “drink” is a 24oz pineapple smoothie with one shot of Malibu. Also, it takes me about 4 hours to drink it. What can I say, I know how to party.

I understand that we’re all new to this, and with it being the first day of online classroom biz, there are bound to be some glitches. Except the glitch rate is about 90%.

Last night while Justin and I were getting ready for bed, I foolishly said, “the kids’ assignments are posted for the entire week–who knows, maybe they’ll be completely finished by the end of tomorrow!” What’s the saying? If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? Well, guess who’s having a good hard laugh today?

By 3pm I had already gone on strike and quit my job…except that I can’t go on strike, and if I quit, my kids will never finish school.

On the plus side, both kids completed their PE assignment for the day. Yey PE, for making us all feel like something has been accomplished!

I ran away from home, to work on prepping what will soon be my fruit grove? Garden? Area? Whatever, I have fruit trees that need to be planted, and the location needs work. And I needed a break from Google Classroom. Anyway, I stumbled upon my favorite tree frog in the shed–I’m assuming she’s also a mom, and is most likely hiding from her kids. 2,000 tadpoles, and not a single one will listen!

Also, out of my list of tasks I had hoped to have completed by 3pm, I have managed to was a load of laundry, and fold 2 shirts. Yup, this is going to be a great two months!

P.S. Any teacher who is doing the creating portion of this school work, as well as teaching their own children: bless you.

Bye Bye Bird

As a cat owner, 3 times over, I have taken part in my fair share of small animal rescues. And failed rescues. There have been plenty of dead animals dropped on my doorstep, or even sometimes brought inside. On a few occasions, I have been lucky enough to rescue these small creatures and set them free.

This is not one of those stories.

First of all, we should go back to the end of January. While Justin and I watched tv, I could hear squeaking outside. I got up to look, and there was Nebula, our 8lb mishmash kitten, with a baby mouse. “Oh my gosh, Justin! Nebula caught a mouse!” It was a baby mouse, and after she brought it inside, I chased her around until she dropped the poor baby. It was mostly dead, but anyone who is a fan of The Princess Bride knows that mostly dead is still alive. I brought that little baby out front and put it in my flowerbed. Not even 5 minutes later, I hear the squeaking again. Oh no, not again!

I wasn’t sure if I had just two times rescued the same mouse, or if this was a new mouse. When I brought the mouse out front, its sibling was still alive and still in the garden. Nebula was just raiding a nest. Cheap hunt, Nebula.

The next morning I went outside, and stumbled upon a massacre. Captain SparklePaws had obviously stumbled upon the baby mice, and decided they were most definitely left there for him to snack upon. All that was left were pieces–a tail, a head, a couple feet. Nebula walked outside, took one look, and then looked back at me as thought I had wronged her: “Is this some kind of joke?! I hunted and trapped these mices, and you let someone else eat them!” She didn’t speak to me all day.

I kept waiting for more babies to be brought to the door, but we spent 2 months without any gifts, dead or alive.

Until yesterday.

Justin was walking past the back door and stopped. “Oh my gosh Sammi, Nebula has a bird!” No she doesn’t. Not possible. While he’s trying to stop her from entering through the doggie door, I snuck a peak. Oh my gosh, what do you know!? I immediately ran outside and attempted to save this little bird. Of course, if you’ve ever tried to take a live bird out of a cat’s mouth, it doesn’t matter if she is 8lbs or 800lbs, you will lose an arm. While she grumbled and growled the equivalent of “don’t you frigging touch my bird,” I tried to convince her to put it down so I could save it. Which is when she got up and jumped through the doggie door. “JUSTIN!!!! Stop her!!!” He had given up watching and had moved on with his life, so I was on my own.

I chased Nebula in the house, and up the stairs. I made it to the top just in time to watch her slink into Shea’s room. “Someone get me a paper towel!!!” I once again took my chances with my life. And once again, Nebula threatened to trade her mouse for my entire arm. Once again, she was on the move. For the love of all creatures everywhere, let the bird go.

She ran under Shea’s bed, and there was no way I could reach her. Finally, the bird managed to escape the grips of Nebula’s jaw, and it hippity hopped out and directly at me. Success! The bird was now mine!

The problem now was, where do I let this poor thing go that it won’t end up in the mouth of Nebula again. I took it out front and showed Justin that I was successful. She had lost a few tail feathers, and a few wing feathers, so I wasn’t sure of her ability to fly.

Justin and I stood outside for a few minutes, with the bird safely hidden under Justin’s car. It was starting to look like we were out of the woods.

Until, of course, the neighbor’s cat wandered over. “Oh hey y’all. I heard mention of a bird? Thought I would check out the situation.”
Meow-Meow Kitty, as we call her, is extra super friendly. She often comes over and sits outside our front window, and cries–until Captain SparklePaws decides to go outside and head out on hunting adventures.

She rubbed up against Justin’s leg, hung out next to him for a couple minutes, and then slowly made her way over to his car. “Oh…is that a bird??”

The bird flew out from under his car, flew two sad, low laps around his vehicle, landed, and was immediately scooped up by Meow-Meow Kitty. Are you kidding me?! “Meow-Meow Kitty, no! I just saved that bird!!!” She didn’t give a toot, and slowly pranced home, bird in mouth. I know my neighbors well enough to say hi if I see them outside, but, at this moment, I had to make a decision–chase down her cat on her front lawn and wrestle a bird out of the cat’s mouth, or admit my failure yet again.

I’m beginning to think maybe I’m not so good at this whole rescue and release biz.

I Can’t See Clearly Now, My Glasses are Gone

My son is the king of leaving his glasses everywhere. He might be really good about wearing them for a week, and then I might not see them for a month–they have been MIA since the start of Coronapocalypse.

Once upon a time, I also left my glasses everywhere. I don’t know why I was so thoroughly against wearing them. Maybe because I got my first pair at 6, and was the only kid in my class with glasses. I would accidentally lose them (yes Mom, the 2 months that they were lost and gone forever….on the bottom shelf of my nightstand, I honestly did not remember putting them there. I promise); I would intentionally leave them at home. I did all I could to not wear them. Which I look back on now and think how crazy that is. But now, if I tried to walk across my bedroom without my glasses, chances are, I would die.

On the days I would “accidentally” leave my glasses at home, at some point in the day I would look up to see my Mom walking at me, waving them in the air, announcing, “Sammi!!! You forgot your glasses!!!” It probably was not nearly that dramatic. But in my mind, she might as well have been carrying a megaphone: “Attention! May I have your attention please! Would Sammi please stop leaving her glasses at home, because I’m just going to keep bringing them to her at school!”
Of course, that was basically double embarrassment–now everyone will know that, not only do I wear glasses, but…..I have a mother! Oh the shame.

I am much less in denial these days. Yes, I do have a mom. And also, I wear glasses…when I’m not wearing contacts (which is most of the time).

Xander’s issue is less embarrassment than it is his total inability to remember where he leaves his things. I have found his glasses on the kitchen counter, in my nightstand, floating around in his backpack. They have spent days in my van, and I’ve even found them tucked away in the shoe rack. And, in his defense, he comes by this completely honestly. I have also found my “lost” phone in my sock drawer, the refrigerator, and also on the shoe rack.

For the past 3 weeks, I have been under the assumption that he had once again left them at school. With Coronapocalypse closing schools for the rest of the year, I had accepted they were lost and gone forever…until the school notified us that we had to drop off school packets and library books today! There might be home for these glasses yet!

Unfortunately, today during “pick up this school biz so you can get to work teaching your kids for the rest of the school year,” the Principal sent someone in to check his desk. Hello, glasses, are you there?? No?? Ok. Alas, no glasses.

I can’t wait to locate them in an unopened box of cereal. Or in his back pocket. Neither place would surprise me. If he walked downstairs wearing them right now and told me he’s been wearing them this whole time, that wouldn’t even surprise me.