Author: SammiSteeves

Little Green Tree Froggie

The problem with Stay-at-Home orders across the country isn’t that I can’t get my hair done, or can’t do any of the other things I never did anyway. The problem with the Stay-at-Home order, is that everyone else is home to see me be…well, me.

Yesterday I was mowing my front yard. It seems like a relatively straight-forward task. Until–HOP!!! A giant tree frog hopped away from my mower. Instantly I stopped, and spent the next 2 minutes chasing it across my yard. While talking to it. “Stop. Jumping! Let me catch you so I can save you!”

Is this the first time I’ve stopped mowing to save an amphibian? Of course it isn’t! Last week I temporarily relocated 2 toads and a salamander. It happens pretty much every time I mow. I am not about to commit Amphibicide.

The only difference now, as compared to 6 weeks ago–my neighbors are all home to see me running around my yard, harassing Kermit’s family members. And also, rather than finding new amphibifriends (kissing them to make sure they aren’t under a witch’s spell), and setting them free, now I’m running to my house screaming, “Shea! Xander! Look what I found!!!” Like the adult that I am.

Ok, I don’t kiss frogs–or any other amphibians. But I do get overly excited when I realize last season’s tenants have moved back in to the usual tree frog locations. underneath a small overhang above the back door. In a nook in the shed. And now my random amphibian trio living underneath a splash block.

Georgia is getting ready to ease up on their stay at home order; Alabama isn’t making any changes yet. Honestly, I want everyone to stay safe and avoid this horrible virus. Maybe I can just get sign for my front yard: Caution–This Homeowner Rescues Frogs.

What would the Lorax version for Amphibians be? That would be me.

I’m just going to keep saving my frogs, and relocating them to the back yard…where I can talk to them without the random neighbor seeing me!

I’m Stuck in Social-Distancing Prison

And time keeps dragging’ on.

It’s actually not been that bad. I can’t say that time’s moving at a normal rate, but it’s better than the never-ending month that was March.

All over the country, states are making the final decisions on the school year. Alabama was actually one of the first 6 states to make the decision, way back on March 26. Honestly, I had already announced that my children would not be going back this school year. I even went so far as to say I would be willing to go to jail–I don’t know about every state, but in Alabama, if your child has more than 7 unexcused absences in a semester, the parent can be charged with Truancy…and spend up to a year in prison.

Which makes me sound like a rebel. I was willing to do jail time to keep my kids safe.

Of course, then Justin and I were watching a show last night, and there was a scene in a prison bathroom–with 6 toilets placed in the center of a room like a porcelain flower. Justin said, “you couldn’t go to jail.” Nope. Nope nope nope. That is every single one of my nightmares.

I can’t even pee in front of Justin–I certainly wouldn’t be able to in front of strangers! He teases me because, after 15 years I still lock the bathroom every time I go in. But I am not about to have him, or anyone else, bust in on me. My sisters tease me–the man has seen me birth babies. He’s seen me be episiotomized…episiotomied…he watched a German doctor “take garden sheers” to my vagina, in order to extract Shea rapidly. He almost passed out, by the way (Rangers are only tough when they aren’t dealing with blood of their loved ones).

So, the truth of the matter is, I’m grateful schools are closed for the rest of the school year–I wouldn’t last a day in jail. At least this way, I only have to last 23 more days as School Teacher!

Land of a Thousand 3rd Grade Words

Playing teacher these past 5 weeks (minus one, since Spring Break did happen somewhere in there) has taught me a lot.

  1. I remember the basics from government–thank goodness.
  2. I know the names of most shapes–again, phew.
  3. I struggle with keeping children focused–this is a given, seeing as though I can’t even keep myself focused (I even put fun stained glass window clings on our front windows so I would stop staring at and judging our neighbors for NOT social distancing. Now I just stare and think, “ooh, rainbows”).
  4. I am awful at defining words.

I know words. And now I sound an idiot. “Hey, look at me, I know something!” While I know the definition of words, I have a hard time putting that into words. For example:
“Mom, what does generalize mean?”
“It means. To make a general statement. Big picture. You know.”

Blank stare of confusion. You obviously don’t know.

I have been put on the spot to play human dictionary multiple times this week.
“What does multiple mean?”

This was often an issue I struggled with in school. Don’t ask me to write down the definition of words, because you’re going to get a bunch of nonsense. I just know what it means, and let that be good enough. For me…but when you’re supposed to be assisting a 9 year old with his science, and you can’t spit out a definition that is helpful, well, go ahead and hang up your teaching hat–you’re failing.

Also, it is really frustrating to try and teach tiny human version of me. I would like to apologize to every teacher in the history of my education who had to deal with my slow, meticulous, daydreamy way of learning. There are 5 weeks left of school; I’ll be lucky if Xander finishes in 10…months.

Sorry for the distractibility gene. ADD is a bitch.

S-A-F-E-T-Y Safety Mask

You can mask if you want to…although these days, it’s mostly mandatory. This is my gift to you: The Rules of Proper Masking.

As I left the commissary this morning, after my emergency juice and ice cream run (First World Problems ain’t got nothin’ on me), I once again saw many people driving around, wearing masks. Folks, if you are the only person in your car, you do not need to wear a mask. Also, since we’re all social distancing, the only people in your vehicle should be the individuals you live with, therefore there is no reason to ever wear a mask while driving.

To make it easier for you to grasp, here are some silly comparisons:

via GIPHY

I like to go kayaking, so before I leave the house, I put my lifejacket on…and then put the kayak on the car and head to the lake.

I always wear my bike helmet while driving to the bike path.

I’ve never gone spelunking, but I’ve heard the best way to get ready is to put your harness on before you leave the house. Also, wear your repelling rope like a sash. It might make sitting in your car uncomfortable, but you can never be too prepared.

via GIPHY

Swim goggles should be put on your eyeballs before you even put your bathing suit on.

Ok, in all fairness to goggle wearers, Xander has been known to wear his goggles in the shower and the bath. And while running through the sprinkler. But hopefully before you hop into the driver’s seat of your empty car, you will pause and think, “wait…do I need to drive to the store with the mask on??” Nope–just…put it on when you get there.

For the record, I hate this so much.

Unless your face is cold? Then I guess do it up. You do you. Just….PLEASE, promise you won’t put nitrile gloves on at 8am when you leave the house, and go about your life as those they are creating a magic forcefield of safety around you. That is really not how gloves work, and when you go around touching everything with your glove hands, you make me cringe. Does your doctor wear the same pair of gloves all day? Does the food service employee make food, scrub the floor, and take your money without changing their gloves–ok…the answer to that one should be no. The answer to both of them should be no!!! If you don’t want the medic to stitch up my forehead and then take your temperature without changing their gloves, what makes you think tossing a pair of gloves on for the day will keep you protected from anything!?

Take This Job and Shove It

Day One of Google Classroom was expected to be a success. I had glanced over the assignments each child had in advance. I split school hours between both kids, so they would have an hour of school time and and hour of some other time. We started school at 9; by 9:30, I was ready to start drinking.

Which is crazy, because I don’t drink!

Ok…during Coronapocalypse I have taken to enjoying one drink each night, while I make dinner. But Justin said it doesn’t even count, because my “drink” is a 24oz pineapple smoothie with one shot of Malibu. Also, it takes me about 4 hours to drink it. What can I say, I know how to party.

I understand that we’re all new to this, and with it being the first day of online classroom biz, there are bound to be some glitches. Except the glitch rate is about 90%.

Last night while Justin and I were getting ready for bed, I foolishly said, “the kids’ assignments are posted for the entire week–who knows, maybe they’ll be completely finished by the end of tomorrow!” What’s the saying? If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? Well, guess who’s having a good hard laugh today?

By 3pm I had already gone on strike and quit my job…except that I can’t go on strike, and if I quit, my kids will never finish school.

On the plus side, both kids completed their PE assignment for the day. Yey PE, for making us all feel like something has been accomplished!

I ran away from home, to work on prepping what will soon be my fruit grove? Garden? Area? Whatever, I have fruit trees that need to be planted, and the location needs work. And I needed a break from Google Classroom. Anyway, I stumbled upon my favorite tree frog in the shed–I’m assuming she’s also a mom, and is most likely hiding from her kids. 2,000 tadpoles, and not a single one will listen!

Also, out of my list of tasks I had hoped to have completed by 3pm, I have managed to was a load of laundry, and fold 2 shirts. Yup, this is going to be a great two months!

P.S. Any teacher who is doing the creating portion of this school work, as well as teaching their own children: bless you.