Category: Coronavirus

Day After Day

School starts next Monday, and while most northern states are still coming up with a game plan, here in the south we had to decide by 17 July: remote learning, or face-to-grimy-face. I asked for opinions from friends and family, but the truth of the matter is, I made my decision back in May, when school ended for the summer.

Of course then I watched as county after county around us put their face-to-germy-face option on the back burner, making all students do remote learning—at least until September. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Even though my kids are locked in to remote learning for the first 9 week, I sure do love to doubt myself. Is this the right decision? Am I being paranoid? Am I going to lose my mind? I believe the answers are Yes, No, and Oh hell yes.

You see, I am not what you would call “organized.” Or good with schedules, or staying on task. And while we had 3 months of practice in the spring, I am not a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. I can teach you how to swim, I can teach you how to be a lifeguard…neither of those things dramatically shape a person’s future. I mean, I suppose they do. Congratulations, you no longer have to worry about drowning; hooray, you now have the skills to swim laps for exercise; look at you, completing the requirements for an awesome summer job. But, based on the number of adults I have taught to swim over the last 2 decades, you can survive in the real world without knowing how to tread water or rotary breathe.

So, step one of this adventure was more about me. I am a notorious schedule maker…and breaker. I have spent my years going into every day with a plan: these are the items I need to complete, and this is the time I have to get it done. Ooh wait—should I alphabetize my pasta?!

I have lost track of the number of times Justin has said, “Sammi, I love you. But I wish you could complete one task before moving on to the next.” Hey buddy, I would like to complete one thought before moving on to—squirrel!

Right—step one. For the last month, I have written out a daily schedule and followed through. By week 3 I had even added morning yoga into the mix; by week 4, I was starting each morning with chanting before yoga. And I have swept my house every-single-day. Which most people are probably either thinking “why,” or “so?” Because, and you wouldn’t understand.

I don’t just ride the struggle bus—I am the driver. Everything is draining. If I get overwhelmed by…anything (and I mean anything), I have a tendency to shut down. And by “shut down,” I mean nap. As the driver of this struggle bus, I also know that both of my kids are frequent passengers. If I can’t keep it together, we’re all going suffer.

I don’t want to jinx anything, because I really (truly) am impressed with my ability to finally follow through. But I have a really good feeling about this school year. Do I want to homeschool my kids? Absolutely not. Am I willing to send them back to school, when our state is averaging 16% positivity (and our county has averaged over 20%)? Absolutely not! I can barely manage to convince my son to keep a shirt on all day—in what world do we think kids are going to do about wearing masks at school!?

Sisters Are Masking Up For Some Fun

Last month, my sister Alissa texted in our “Sistas” group chat, “What are you doing June 4th??”
Well, let me think…….Staying at home, like the rest of the world. Like we’ve been doing? Pre and Post Coronapocalypse, my schedule is always pretty open.
“Mark your calendar for a sisters night!!! We’ll FaceTime and celebrate your birthday!”

Sure, ok. I can take time out of my busy schedule of reclusing to FaceTime.

Of course then later that afternoon, Alissa tagged me in an instagram post, promoting a Live Instagram Party on June 4th! I’ve been duped!!!!!! 

Being the rather un-savvy human that I am, I saw “Live Instagram Party,” and I pictured “100 random people, mostly from CNY, meeting up in mud masks, for the world to see!”

So then the text:
Oh Alissa no!!!!! Dirty trick! 
Social distancing party with random ass strangers?!?!

She talked me down, and promised: “You’re alone in your house watching an Instagram Live as she sits in her house doing a facial. You’re watching someone doe the facial and tell you the steps and she’s also hilarious and plays music.”

Honestly, Alissa, I love you, I do. But had I known the details, I would have RSVPed NO.

But, I was suckered into girl time, and with my sisters both over 1,100 miles away, it isn’t like we spend a lot (or any) time together. I can suck it up and deal with whatever painful experience this is about to be.

Alissa, whatever happens next, don’t get offended.

This socially distanced girls’ night was still weeks away. In the interim, Justin and I decided to take on the overwhelming project of pulling up our upstairs carpet and installing vinyl plank flooring (this project hasn’t started yet, so be on the lookout for either an SOS or questions on how to dispose of a body–from either Justin or me. Things will most likely get intense). When we received our shipment notification, well, wouldn’t you know, it was being delivered June 4th! This could potentially be my justified out–the last time we received a freight shipment, it came at 8pm, so, a girl can dream.

Of course, that wasn’t the case, and it was dropped off at 1:30. Which not only gave me plenty of time to make it to my socially-distanced nightmare, but also left me alone to carry 1600lbs of flooring into the house. One. Box. At a time.

I need to back up. Yesterday was crazy (in terms of Sam’s Usual Schedule). Honestly, this entire week has been wild–I’ve left the house more times this week than there are days in the week. Don’t judge me, that’s a big deal.
Morning vet trip with Bruce. Home to wait for flooring. Forty-five minutes carrying in a million boxes (ok, there were a lot of texting breaks). Make dinner so we can eat before gymnastics. Gymnastics. And then home again, in time to cut watermelon, take a shower (because, the boxes. And the heat. And the sweat. And I’m gross), and wait…

I should probably jump in and explain at this moment just how very different my sisters and I are. They’re……pretty girlie. I will admit that Alissa has toned it down in the last 5 years (I’m being honest Alissa. Having kids has changed you, for the better…don’t hate me). I will not ever be the mani/pedi girl. I cut my own hair. I’m not low maintenance–I’m no maintenance. That’s….probably not true. I did shave my legs last week, so some maintenance went into all of this (me–all of me).

Alissa sent me a list of items I would need, since my facial kit didn’t arrive in the mail on time. Bowl of hot water? Towel? Cleanser, exfoliated, steamer (my rice steamer was still on the counter from dinner, but I don’t think that’s what they had in mind), mask (like, “I wear a mask to protect you; you wear a mask to protect me?” Is 1,100 miles not enough distance, socially speaking?), toner (now I’m thinking Jane Fonda workout videos from the 80s). Step 6 says “treat,” and Justin didn’t bring me any candy, so I guess this party just got ruined.

I jump on this FaceTime call with my sisters, and away we go?? I don’t know. “Sign into Instagram and start her video!”
Ok, but swear to me that I hit this button and random people aren’t going to see me?
“OMG No. Just do it.”

The video didn’t work. I cried the tears of a thousand heartbreaks.
“Sam! Get your cleanser!”
“I’m not doing that.”

Is it just me? Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird to wash your face for fun, in front of…anyone? This isn’t a Neutrogena commercial, and I’m not washing my face out of a bowl, in front of my computer. Weird.

I understand the sentiment, I do. And Alissa, your heart is always in the right place. But an ice cream eating party is a little more in my wheelhouse. Ben? Jerry? You’re both invited, but only if you bring the flavors.

Meanwhile, of course, Alissa and Erica are really getting into this. And I’m really trying not to laugh myself into a crying fit. “Sam! Where’s your cleanser!?”
It’s here–see me, pretending to be doing anything other than laugh.

I hear through my phone, from their viewing of the Instagram Live (that never loaded on my end), “get your steamers out, girls!”
JUSTIN!!!! Where’s your uniform steamer?? I’m going to need that…for my face.

We’re already up to enzymes. Let me pause for a moment and say that there are two reasons I don’t eat yogurt. 1. The consistency. 2. It’s Alive!!! So now, Alissa informs us that the enzyme step burns. Is it because microorganisms are, perhaps, eating your face?!?!

“Sam! Get your mask.”
“No.”

Sometimes (sometimes) I throw a face mask on while Justin and I watch tv at night. Never (ever) do I sit in front of my computer and talk to people with a face mask on. Because……I guess I’m not fun. Also, the number of times my skin has reacted to one mask or another, leaving me looking Hot Tamale Red–sisters or no sisters, I don’t really want to talk to anyone when my face is burning.

At the end of it all, I got to catch up with my sisters, who I rarely speak to (not for any reason other than I’m here, and they’re there, and, I’m more a texter than a talker). We talked longer last night than we probably have in years, so, thanks Liss….even if I didn’t mask up!

Contraband Masks, and Shower Caps

In Coronapocalypse, grocery shopping can only happen once school is done for the week. Luckily, Shea was done by Thursday morning, and Xander was…..well, close enough.

As I drove into Georgia, I began to wonder if this was a good life choice. Friday was the first day the state was beginning the reopening process. Would the grocery store be crazy, because the world was out living it up? Or would it be empty, because everyone was getting their roots touched up?

It seemed typical for Aldi, but as I walked to the door, the unfortunate employee who had to stand outside (this is the south, and it’s already hot) and clean every cart, informed me they had reached 50 shoppers, and would I please stand on the X. Absolutely! The next couple who walked up weren’t so impressed with rule-following–he asked them to please stand on the next X, as they were at “capacity,” and the couple continued to stand directly in the doorway. When another patron walked up, he once again explained that they were at capacity, and would they please stand on the next X. The response was, “how were we supposed to know that if you didn’t tell us.” I rolled my eyes hard, but then remembered I still had sunglasses on, so no one saw–probably for the best.

After a full 90 seconds of waiting, I was allowed to go inside. It looked just as overcrowded as the tiny Aldi always looks. I got a lot of nasty looks and rude comments: “that is a lot of food.” Well, I’m not leaving my house for 2 more weeks, so mind your beeswax! No…instead I would smile (which goes unseen under a mask), and would say, “you don’t realize how much extra food you’ll need for 2 kids and a husband at home all day every day!” Which is mostly a lie–my husband is not home any more than he was before. But my kids do eat nonstop. And also, mind your beeswax. I don’t hoard buy–I 2-week-supply buy.

Then I began to take notice of all that was going on around me. As a lifetime sufferer of ADD, I flip between being hyper focused and unobservant, to daydreamy and ultra-observant. Of all the women in the store, 1/4 of them were wearing either shower caps, or scrub caps. What. Is. Happening.

I feel like there are a number of public service announcements that need to be made. The newest seems to be: just because you see a nurse wearing something, that does not meant you will be safer by wearing it too. You don’t need gloves (eww), unless you plan on changing your gloves every time you touch something (honestly, if I thought about the number of gloves required to grocery shop without cross-contamination, I would need a whole box). Masks do you no good if you only wear them over your mouth (unless you have corks crammed up your nostrils, this is silly). And now, scrub caps are NOT SAVING YOU!!! What exactly do they think the purpose of the scrub cap is?? No Coronapocalypse fad has confused me this much.

On my drive home, I looked in my rearview mirror and noticed a man, alone in his car, wearing a mask. Oh my gosh, this has to stop. But wait! At the next light, I saw he had taken it off! Alas, perhaps he just forgot he was wearing it. He was also smoking a cigarette–whatever, you do you, buddy…until he finished his cigarette and put the mask back on. With smarts like that, you’re better of just staying home.

Also, I’ve been making contraband face masks. The SGM of the Army put out guidance, telling soldiers not to use uniforms to make masks (because they’re dipped in chemicals…great). This guidance came out after I had already made Justin 4 multi-cam masks, that he handed out to friends at work. And now, even though they are illegal (well, not illegal…just, not recommended), it’s what everyone wants. “But they’re not allowed.”
“He wants multi-cam.”
“But…they said…”
“He wants multi-cam.”
Great. So, when the shakedown happens, and these soldiers crack under pressure and give up their supplier, I’m going straight to Guantanamo Bay. Which I’m assuming is worse than prison. Which I’ve already established, is a place I couldn’t handle. I’m doomed.

I’m Stuck in Social-Distancing Prison

And time keeps dragging’ on.

It’s actually not been that bad. I can’t say that time’s moving at a normal rate, but it’s better than the never-ending month that was March.

All over the country, states are making the final decisions on the school year. Alabama was actually one of the first 6 states to make the decision, way back on March 26. Honestly, I had already announced that my children would not be going back this school year. I even went so far as to say I would be willing to go to jail–I don’t know about every state, but in Alabama, if your child has more than 7 unexcused absences in a semester, the parent can be charged with Truancy…and spend up to a year in prison.

Which makes me sound like a rebel. I was willing to do jail time to keep my kids safe.

Of course, then Justin and I were watching a show last night, and there was a scene in a prison bathroom–with 6 toilets placed in the center of a room like a porcelain flower. Justin said, “you couldn’t go to jail.” Nope. Nope nope nope. That is every single one of my nightmares.

I can’t even pee in front of Justin–I certainly wouldn’t be able to in front of strangers! He teases me because, after 15 years I still lock the bathroom every time I go in. But I am not about to have him, or anyone else, bust in on me. My sisters tease me–the man has seen me birth babies. He’s seen me be episiotomized…episiotomied…he watched a German doctor “take garden sheers” to my vagina, in order to extract Shea rapidly. He almost passed out, by the way (Rangers are only tough when they aren’t dealing with blood of their loved ones).

So, the truth of the matter is, I’m grateful schools are closed for the rest of the school year–I wouldn’t last a day in jail. At least this way, I only have to last 23 more days as School Teacher!

S-A-F-E-T-Y Safety Mask

You can mask if you want to…although these days, it’s mostly mandatory. This is my gift to you: The Rules of Proper Masking.

As I left the commissary this morning, after my emergency juice and ice cream run (First World Problems ain’t got nothin’ on me), I once again saw many people driving around, wearing masks. Folks, if you are the only person in your car, you do not need to wear a mask. Also, since we’re all social distancing, the only people in your vehicle should be the individuals you live with, therefore there is no reason to ever wear a mask while driving.

To make it easier for you to grasp, here are some silly comparisons:

via GIPHY

I like to go kayaking, so before I leave the house, I put my lifejacket on…and then put the kayak on the car and head to the lake.

I always wear my bike helmet while driving to the bike path.

I’ve never gone spelunking, but I’ve heard the best way to get ready is to put your harness on before you leave the house. Also, wear your repelling rope like a sash. It might make sitting in your car uncomfortable, but you can never be too prepared.

via GIPHY

Swim goggles should be put on your eyeballs before you even put your bathing suit on.

Ok, in all fairness to goggle wearers, Xander has been known to wear his goggles in the shower and the bath. And while running through the sprinkler. But hopefully before you hop into the driver’s seat of your empty car, you will pause and think, “wait…do I need to drive to the store with the mask on??” Nope–just…put it on when you get there.

For the record, I hate this so much.

Unless your face is cold? Then I guess do it up. You do you. Just….PLEASE, promise you won’t put nitrile gloves on at 8am when you leave the house, and go about your life as those they are creating a magic forcefield of safety around you. That is really not how gloves work, and when you go around touching everything with your glove hands, you make me cringe. Does your doctor wear the same pair of gloves all day? Does the food service employee make food, scrub the floor, and take your money without changing their gloves–ok…the answer to that one should be no. The answer to both of them should be no!!! If you don’t want the medic to stitch up my forehead and then take your temperature without changing their gloves, what makes you think tossing a pair of gloves on for the day will keep you protected from anything!?