Category: Coronavirus

March: In Like a Pandemic, Out Like a Tornado Watch

My goal for Coronapocalypse was to be better about writing every day. The problem with that is my world went from “pretty darn uneventful,” to “what day is it!?” These are weird times.

Also, March has been the month that kept on giving. We started with what seemed like the potential for good–after 18 years, the “war” in Afghanistan might actually come to and end. NYS had its first coronavirus case, and Washington state had announced its second Covid-related death. Way back then, life was still mostly normal.

Now we can sing, what a difference a month makes. 31 super long, painful days.

Of course, it would only be fitting for a month that started with potential (and slowly–no, rapidly–snowballed out of control), to end with me receiving a Tornado Watch alert. Not as bad as a Tornado warning, but certainly worse than the daily pollen alert I receive.

There are so many interesting aspects of living in the south. Fifteen years ago, I stood out like a sore thumb. At my very first job in Georgia, after being asked where I was from, I was then asked, “are you gonna speak Yank to us?” I guess I can try? I’ve never been good a picking up foreign languages.

One of the “interesting in a bad way” aspects can be the extreme weather. While we don’t have snow days, we did have a “flash flood day,” way back in February. Picture white-out conditions, but with rain and flooding. So much flooding.

Alabama isn’t part of “Tornado Alley,” but it is located in “Dixie Alley,” which I didn’t realize was actually a thing. Dixie Alley is known for a different style of tornado. The wetter style, I guess.
My children are professional Tornado siren experts. In 2015, a tornado touched down less than a mile from our house in KY, and the second that siren went off, they curled into little balls on the floor, tucking their hands over their heads. “Come on, Mom! get on the floor like this!” Yeah, I thought the on-post fire department was just being overly cautious…until we drove past the uprooted trees. Oops, I guess tornados are serious.

Our Tornado Plan consists of everyone cramming into a 6’x4′ bathroom. 4 humans, 2 boxers, a pug, and 3 cats. Yes, it will be a wonderful bonding experience. Thus far, we have yet to activate the tornado plan, although there have been moments when the kids were ready (Shea even packed a bag full of stuffed animals, and had to be reminded we would barely have room for the living creatures). Shea believes the best way to increase our space, is to make use of the under sink cabinet–cat storage, if you will. At one point I believe it was suggested that Justin could join them, but since he isn’t even flexible enough for child’s pose, I don’t think it’s going to be possible to get him into a space 4 feet wide by 2 feet deep…and only 3 feet tall. We haven’t tried cramming him in there, but logistically speaking, I don’t think it’s going to be possible.

Our Tailless Trio: Rufus, Emma, and Nebula

Our pug, Bruce, is 14 years old, and poops if you scare him. Awesome defense mechanism. I’m sure it will really go over well in our confined quarters. Rufus, has no concept of personal space, which I’m sure will be the perfect trait for Sardine Can Bathroom. Emma gets extremely bouncy when she’s excited. Or if Justin acknowledges her presence. Picture Tigger, in a bathroom, with too many individuals. Then sprinkle in 3 cats, and keep in mind that two of them are frequently tormented by the boxers; the third cat has no tail, and therefore is just like the boxers…I guess?

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31 days ago, we were still planning for Spring Break; it has now come and gone, Social-Distancing-style. March 1 began 734 hours ago, but if you ask anyone, they’d probably tell you it has felt like 734 days. Instead of school days and weekends, we have school-at-home days and the 2 days a week you have no rules. Well, limited rules.

Two more hours until this Tornado Watch is lifted. I will watch it touch down before attempting to cram anyone in the bathroom.

What a difference a pandemic makes.

Don’t Stop Me, Cuz I’m Havin’ a Good Cry, Havin’ a Good Cry Now!

When you live just west of the Chattahoochee, chances are you live in the crazy Eastern/Central limbo we inhabit. Our newspaper comes out of Georgia, Justin works in Georgia…well, that’s not really true. Fort Benning is a little bit in Georgia; a little bit in Alabama; a lotta bit a world unto itself. 95% of our shopping takes place on the east side of the Hooch (sorry Alabama–I have yet to embrace Rainbow Foods). It’s just the way it is.

A majority of time, it makes no difference. Who cares what side of that dirty river Alan Jackson sang about, we’re on.

Until, of course, Coronapocalypse came to Earth and said, “hey, wanna see something crazy?!” Now, suddenly, it’s all about what side of the river you land on.

Last night I received a notification from our local newspaper (out of Georgia). The governor of Georgia had announced that schools will now be closed through April 24th. Hmm…further down the article, it tells me what I need to know: Governor Ivey has cancelled the rest of the school year.

Hold up. Excuse me?! Can we just take a minute and think about this?!

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I am not a teacher. I am not pro-homeschool. I am not prepared for this!!! Furthermore, no one seems to know just how this is going to work. Thus far, my children’s learning has taken place via a 40-60 page packet of school work (half of which I know Xander has previously done for homework. You’re fooling no one, 3rd grade packet).

These are wild and crazy times. I don’t want to go out into the world and I certainly don’t want to send my children back to school. As of right now, our county has 1 case, and the neighboring Alabama county has 47. Alabama is still relatively low on the list of positive cases in the country. This state has 1/4 the population of NYS. But, do you know who doesn’t care about your state’s population?? Covid-19. Way back, 13 days ago, NYS had roughly the same number of cases that Alabama has right now. At this exact moment, New York state has more positive cases than France and the UK combined. By tomorrow, the number will have increased again. That’s the wild and crazy thing about exponential growth.

I am not ready to find out what this disease will do as it works its way across Rural America. Yes, it’s destroying large cities, but large cities also have doctors and hospitals. There are towns in Alabama where they can’t even afford to pave roads–doctors are not nearby. What happens to these people.

I have stockpiled a good amount of alcohol–which is weird for a person who hasn’t consumed alcohol since July (No, I’m not a recovering alcoholic or anything like that–I just don’t drink. Although, I might start attending online AA meetings: GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO GET THROUGH THIS ).

Alabama will decide what to do with this school year by April 6–how they plan on educating roughly a million children, so they can move on to the next grade. That is the moment when we can really kick our panic into high gear.

I’m going to go make myself a Malibu and Pineapple smoothie, and spend the next 8 hours drinking it (I’m a seriously cheap date). And I’m going to ignore the impending doom that is my children’s education!!!

Save PPE, Ms Dependent Ma’am, You Really Can

Today was our first adventure outside the house since The Great Aldi Trip of Last Thursday. The day didn’t get off to the best start, so I wasn’t thoroughly looking forward to the adventure, but it seems kids need to eat. Every day.

I started the day off by putting on a pair of LuLaRoe leggings–not to actually leave the house in. Just so I wouldn’t be wandering around the house in my underwear. For all you ladies who are “obsessed” with LuLaRoe leggings…I’m sorry but something is wrong with you. It’s probably more likely that there’s something wrong with me, since so many people are in love with them. They’re soft, don’t get me wrong, but they give me hot flashes! No, I’m serious! My legs overheat and then my entire body breaks out into sweat. Which, is pretty much my normal, but I checked my temperature twice this morning, concerned that Justin brought me Covid-19 from work, before I realized it was these damn pants.
That aren’t even flattering. You go girl, if you have to confidence to leave the house in these things. And again, maybe it’s just me, but I pop a pair of LuLaRoe leggings on and instantly look like the really sexy love child of Danny DeVito and Sally O’Malley. For the record, these were hand-me-downs/ups/overs. Whatever, my sister gave them to me.

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Hot and sweaty is something I’m good at. It’s basically a way of life for me. However, if the temperature is above 50 degrees, I can’t even hang out in those super soft, super unflattering leggings. The 2 hours I had them on this morning were a terrible idea. I changed out of my At Home Leggings, and into my Leaving the House Workout Pants, which Justin says are just as unflattering, but he can’t be trusted–he wears the same outfit. Every. Single. Day. I can’t believe no one has ever called him out for it!

My weather app also starts every day by sending me a warning that my allergies are going to make me want to tear my eyeballs out. Also, did you know that itchy eyeballs is now on the list of symptoms for Covid-19?! I mean, it’s more of a viral pink eye situation, than it is an allergy eye thing. But still. It’s like Alabama wants me walking around, looking like Patient Zero. “Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her eyes. They are like, so red and swollen.” Thanks, Coronavirus, for perfectly aligning with allergy season. Tree pollen, freshly mowed grass, and wisteria from here until tomorrow.

My gosh, I’m more sidetracked than usual! Let me just get right to it.

PPE: Gloves. Face Masks. You know, the items that hospitals are begging for?! People seem to be mildly confused about how it all works.

As I pulled onto post today, to play another round of 30 Items or Less, I watched the woman driving ahead of me try to hand her ID card to the gate guard–woah woah woah, that could send us to threat level We’re All Gonna Die!!! During Coronapocalypse, you hold out your ID card so they can scan the back, and then flip it over so they can see the front. We aren’t doing the whole touching thing anymore.
So yes, she was confused about the ID card scanning policy (this is why I usual get in the U-Scan line). But even more confusing was that the woman was driving around alone in her vehicle, wearing a mask and gloves. Medical grade gloves–not those vinyl food grade babies I have for tie dye and hair dye and whatever else I want to use them for. What the heck are you protecting yourself from in your car? If you have coronavirus, you can’t give it to you.

Well, that was confusing. But I guess I get it. Not everyone understands what’s going on. These are scary times. And also, 3 of the 4 cases in the county happen to be people with ties to Fort Benning, so I’m sure that has People in a Pandemic Panic.

Once at the commissary, I watched multiple cars drive through the parking lot. At least half of them were being driven by seniors wearing masks and gloves! What’s going on here!?!? There weren’t even that many people inside the store wearing PPE, and yet here are people in vehicles occupied by only themselves, wearing their PPE. I bet their trunks were also full of toilet paper. Folks, if you Panic Purchased PPE, please don’t feel obligated to wear them all day, every day. I don’t see you out and about in toilet paper ballgowns, so just keep a box for your worldly adventures, and donate the rest to a hospital! Consider it your good deed for the day–or even for all of Coronapocalypse!

My receipt is sitting in front of me at my desk–oh my god, I had 31 items! In the 30 or less aisle?! It’s a miracle the MPs didn’t come and cart me off to Commissary Jail.

As for my LuLaRoe Leggings–they will be going into hiding until cold weather is upon us again. Voluntary hot flashes are no way to start the day.

Holiday in Covid-19

Here in Alabama, we are 2 days into spring break. So far, we have…..we have…..we….um….

Ok, we haven’t done anything. I’ve been putting an hour of work into getting my vegetable garden started, so that if we make it to May, our little 18×23 Liberty Garden, Corona-Edition, will keep us fed. Here’s hoping we fare better than last year.

My gardening skills sort of come and go. Some years were super successful, while others were not so great.

Last year was one of those “not so great” years. As the first gardening season in Alabama, I had tremendously high hopes. I had a 3 season plan that would keep us in veggies from February through November. There were just a few issues.

The sad and lonely, gardenless arbor.

The first being, our Tigger-like pup, Emma, loves to help. She digs a mean hole, and is a professional at weed pulling. Of course, she doesn’t know the difference between a week and an actual plant, so everything gets yanked out, thrown around, and murdered by her. It’s so helpful. I bought some wire fence, some metal fence posts, and a gated arbor, to keep the garden monster out. I then spent a solid 3 months putting up the fence, the arbor, and digging out the grass.

The next issue was that I procrastinated like the true, Professional Procrastinator that I am. Once the garden was planted, I also noticed these little baby plants coming up in tidy little rows. I told Justin that we should wait and see (worst plan for any situation), because maybe they’re something.

Third, I took our kids to NY for a few weeks, and left my husband (who is often at work 16 hours a day, and sometimes as much as 40 hours straight) in charge of taking care of it. I came home to Jurassic Garden. At which point, not only was the entire space overrun with WILD MORNING GLORIES, but my little “Let’s see what these turn out to be” plants were really looking a lot like peanut plants. After 2 weeks of de-wild-morning-glorying the space, I decide to take inspiration from Jimmy Carter and become a peanut farmer……

…..Of course then it ended up my peanut plants were really some kind of weed that only looks peanutish, but is in fact a whole lot of nothing. Jimmy, I failed you.

My garden produced a solid 2 cucumbers. Which, in a space of 414sqft, is sad. I vowed that 2020 would be better than 2019.

February came and went. Every day I told myself that today would be the day I started this garden. Ok, maybe tomorrow. Ok, maybe Monday.

Then the world started freaking out and buying up meat and toilet paper. Nothing like a little Pandemic Panic to Prompt Produce Production. Let the planting begin!

Today is day 4 of my Garden jumpstart frenzy. I have just under 1/2 of the garden planted. According to my fancy Alabama Garden App (it’s a thing, don’t be jealous that you don’t live near a major agricultural university. We can’t all be this rural), I should start having vegetables by the beginning of May.

In the meantime, I guess it’s back to honing my “gathering” skills. Which, aren’t great. Justin told me he doesn’t think my giant dandelion plants are actually dandelions, so I should probably halt all attempts at feeding my family weeds. And since I’ve never shot a gun (don’t gasp. Just because I’m married to a gun-owning soldier does not mean I care to have anything to do with them myself), the hunting portion of this Covid Apocalypse is going to have to go on the back burner–where it will stay until the Zombie Apocalypse, at which time I suppose knowing how to shoot a gun will be a necessity.

As for the rest of spring break? Well, I’ve taken my usual social distancing and really kicked it right up into homebound recluse status. Are we almost out of juice? Yes. Have I decided that they can wait 2-4 months for our garden to start producing and then we can enjoy some fresh-squeezed tomato juice? Also yes. Pandemic Paranoia is Prominent.

Help! I Need Some TP!

I walked into the bathroom, and sat down to pee. My life flashed before my eyes. Instant panic set in. Oh, my glob. This is it. The end of times.

I was about to jump in my car and spend the next 12 hours driving around to every store in the 100 mile radius I am currently detained to (as per Army Regulations). But then, just as I was about to leave, I remembered:

Oh yeah…we have toilet paper. That was a close one.

Instantly, I found myself wondering, is this what has happened across the country–nay, the world?! Did mothers everywhere, spot the empty roll, realize we’re living in Pandemic Province, and instantly Pandemic Panic Purchase Paper-Products?!

How silly did all of them feel when, upon returning home from their Quarantine-Quest, they realized it was just another case of A Task Too Hard For Anyone But A Mother To Complete?