Category: Random

Who You Talkin’ To?

My age naivety strikes again. Summer is upon us, which here means a drastic increase in single soldiers at work.

“…He asked me if I was talking to anyone, and I said no.”

You were literally talking to him and he asked if you were talking to anyone. Obviously my “talking to” is different than yours.

“Sam, are you talking to anyone?!”

“Ladies, I am sitting here talking to you right now!”

“NOOOOOOO! Sam! I saw you talking to Justin this morning!”

What is happening right now!? Why–why am I so old!?

I get it, I do. I’m not so old that I’m that confused (yet). And how is one supposed to differentiate between talking to, and “talking to.” And whatever happened to getting a talking to!? What was once a reprimand is now…I don’t even know what. Something that requires me to giggle and use an excessive amount of rapid-fire eyebrow raising.

Also, while we talk of the awkwardness that is me, my doctor is making me go for a mammogram today, which I’m not feeling on so many levels. First and foremost, I can’t wear deodorant?! Do you want to die?! If I see you before 9am, please turn quickly and RUN!!!

The chances of there being cancer in these boobs is pretty darn slim. For one, I breastfed for nearly 5 straight years. I reduce my friends‘ chances of getting breast cancer, simply by allowing them to breathe the same air as me! Maybe. Probably. I don’t know, but I’m surely not getting it.

Also, my nips may or may not be pierced–ok, they may. My Christmas present, because I’m weird. The every day reminder that my boobs are retired from nourishing babies. Forever. But (in my whiniest, complainy voice), I don’t want to take them out. Because if they’re a pain in my boobs to put back in, I’m going to be even whinier!

I’m only a little salty. And no, that’s not just the sweat.

I’m Sam Steeves, and I Speak for the Bees

…except sweat bees. They are the douchebags of the bee community.

An entire bee community, plagued by little guy syndrome.

I’m trying to be productive on my Mostly Day Off. I finally finished mowing my lawn, since my previous attempt was rained out, and prior to that, it had been…ok, so maybe some of it was knee high.

It happens.

In Kentucky.

Where it rained for a week straight. And I work too much. And my whole Coming Off Antidepressants has lead to a lot of couch slothing.

But yeah, it happens.

Besides, Justin isn’t here to judge me, so I can do what I want!

I mean…until housing leaves a note on my door that my back yard is not zoned as a Natural Zone, and I need to get my crappy together and mow that jungle.

I should get a job with the housing office–I could really bring a new voice to their “friendly reminders.”

Ok, so I googled it. And they don’t mean to be assholes.

Sorry sweat bee. I didn’t mean to scare you into stinging me when I squatted down and accidentally trapped you between my thigh and calf. It was an honest mistake.

In their defense, I’m a very sweaty girl. I’d probably hang out on me too, if I was attracted to sweat.

I’m irresistible.

To bees.

I’m irresistible to sweat bees. Get back to pollinating. I won’t squish any of your friends.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2004 was a year. I finally permanently walked away from my unhealthy on again/off again relationship. Back then, Justin was just my best friend, who I loved with all my heart. 2004 was the year I told myself I’d be single, promising Justin that at the end of that year, I would be willing to explore the possibility of dating him (even though I already knew I would one day marry him).

2004 wasn’t my healthiest year.

I made a lot of bad decisions. Or at least, decisions that make me look back and think, what was I thinking!?

But you can’t regret those things. Every decision you make helps lead you where you need to be.

I got my first tattoo in 2004: magenta stars on my foot. A few months later I got more stars (because, who doesn’t love stars), this time on my pelvis. They were fun and cute. I was going to add to them. Because, why not!?

I waited. In fact, I believe I waited a whole year. In that time, I also married Justin (because, when he said, “you’re never going to come visit me,” I had to prove him wrong. And 6 months later, I married my best friend).

Initially I was…not entirely impressed with my additional stars. The shop’s apprentice did them, and while I am all for giving people a chance, this girl didn’t have it. Part of the way through she said, “let’s do some stars with thick outlines, and some with thin.” Let’s just say we don’t know what we’re doing.

You know what makes a not-so-great pelvic tattoo even better? Stretching it out. Two times.

I told myself that someday, I would do something about those damn stars.

Fast forward to December, 2011. My sisters and I got matching DeBie tattoos. And the tattoo artist said, “I can fix those stars for you.” Could it be?! Is there really hope for them?!”

Sadly, before I was able to get back to New York and get back in with him, he passed away. I gave up the idea of ever getting those dang stars taken care of.

This past year, working a full time job and playing single mom (even if it is just a temporary gig), I decided to take Justin’s advice, and start treating myself. Not necessarily the way most people would choose to. My gifts to me have come in the form of needles being jammed into my skin. And then I decided it was time.

So long, farewell. After 13 years, I was ready to say goodbye to the permanent reminder of the crazy year I spent finding myself.

You won’t be missed.

And Justin? Yeah, I’ll keep him. 💖

Sending Out an SOS

It’s been a long day/week/month/year (pick one). I unintentionally let work consume me. But this isn’t about my job. Or my depression. Or my fresh tattoo repeatedly getting stuck to my underwear all day long (for real, I would like to know the trick to making that not happen, although I’m sure it’s Don’t Tattoo Your Bajingo). This is about my flipping smoke alarms that are wired together, like a giant torture device.

Do you want tinnitus, because I’m pretty sure this is how you get tinnitus.

Let’s flash back to an hour ago. I had just peeled my underwear off of my tattoo, and was debating what I could possibly wear instead of underwear (hey Siri, what’s a good alternative to clothes), when I heard my children fighting.

Someone threw a pillow, the other threw a punch. Both were shrieking that the other was responsible. “Cut it out you two,” because I’m still trying to figure out how to approach the whole tattoo-sticking-to-my-underwear situation.

Then a door slammed.

And then, one of my nightmares came true……again.

For the fourth time in the 6 years we’ve lived here, the smoke detectors went off. This isn’t one little beeping alarm. Oh no, this is six alarms shrieking in unison throughout the house, and thus begins the fun game: guess which smoke detector has a dying battery. Instant. Anxiety.

Maybe I don’t change the batteries often enough, but twice they’ve had to replace the main control/alarm/shrieky wall decoration. One year I even said, “when I keep the carbon monoxide detector (aka the piece that holds the entire shriek system together) plugged into the system, every single alarm goes off and I can’t make them stop!” He shrugged and said, “Thur ain’t no reason for a carbon monoxide detector in these houses anyway, so just go ahead ‘n’ leave it unplugged.” Sounds like a plan! Until the follow year during our annual inspection, the next guy said, “let me replace that for you.” No! Please don’t!

I don’t even know why they’re all interconnected, other than to destroy my eardrums as I run screaming through the house, disconnecting every single flipping smoke detector in the house. Somebody make it stop!!!

My ears are still ringing.

This is probably what Justin hears every day of his life.

I now have 5 smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide detector, sitting battery-free on my counter. Until I feel like playing this game again.

I keep asking, “is there still an alarm going off?!”

Now. About this tattoo-sticking-to-my-underwear issue……

Everybody Needs a Boxer for a Pillow

Justin has been a real punk lately. Not in the “you don’t appreciate me,” sense–it’s more: “you’re supposed to be the voice of reason in this relationship!”

In the last 4 days, he has tagged me in about 6 Facebook posts about dogs needing to be rehomed; two of those dogs are boxers! And Sunday my neighbor called and asked me to please adopt their boxer.

Wait, only yesterday I was in tears about how I have too much on my plate!

BUT THEY’RE BOXERS!!!

I have a real soft spot in my heart for those big dopey schmoopy faces. They are underbite and muscles and drool and trouble. And I love them all.

Where is my boxer farm already, Mr Steeves?!

In the meantime, I have to stay strong and resist all temptations to adopt all unwanted dogs in the Kentuckiana region. I want them all. But, I have to be my own voice of reason and tell myself, “no, Sam. You can’t–”

“But what if I quit my job!?”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I know. But–”

“No.”

Fine. Grant me the strength I need to not adopt three more giant trouble making smooshy faces.

I won’t do it. But I sure do want to.

I have to work. To save up. For my boxer farm. Or, mostly my home for old grouchy dogs who just want to take naps.