Tag: Awkward

Dental Therapy

My Mom is by far, the best Dental Hygienist in existence. Of course, I’m possibly biased. All I know is, once upon a time (close to 30 years ago, to be precise), I had my teeth cleaned by a different hygienist in the office where my Mom worked; the experience was not fun. She stabbed my gums a lot, asked a million questions while her hands were in my mouth, and was less than understanding of my small mouth and my jaw’s need to occasionally close.

In the 12 years that I’ve lived away from home, I have still continued to get my teeth cleaned by my Mom during visits home. If I needed work done, I would even wait until visits to do that as well. I have no issues seeing other dentists–it’s the cleanings that worry me. It’s probably the one thing that makes me want to cry like a sleepy toddler: “I want my Mom!!!”

In December, she cleaned my teeth. And pointed out 2 broken fillings (I have some serious clenching/grinding issues). It was time to put my big girl panties on, suck it up, and see a local dentist.

After two months of putting it off, I followed the recommendation of a lifeguard who spent her senior year doing CP (career practicum) in a dental office. And, wow.

First of all, I had a minor panic moment when the hygienist said she was going to take a panoramic x-ray and asked if I had any earrings in–and then looked and said, “oh my gosh. Ok, so, we’ll do everything else, and you can take those all out and we can do the x-ray at the end.”

Of course I had decided to put 90% of my earrings (or 20) in that morning.

You know you’re the daughter of a hygienist, when you become so relaxed during a cleaning that you almost fall asleep. Who needs a massage!? Can I just get my teeth cleaned once a month?!

I have officially met the second greatest Dental Hygienist in the world.

And guess what? Yup, I clench and grind. And broke 2 fillings. And also: Jaw arthritis. Jarthritis?

As an introvert, I think I will use that as an excuse to not have to conduct job interviews: “you know I would love to talk to this kid about why she thinks she would make a good sales clerk. But my jarthritis is really acting up today, and what happens if it stops working and I end up mumbling!?”

It Must Be Love

Last night, it hit me at about 6pm that when we woke up, it would be Valentine’s Day. Well, crud.

After work, I rushed my kids over to the PX, so they could get valentines to hand out to their classmates (I briefly debated NOT going to get any, but I already fight the internal “bad mom” demons).

The number of men frantically wandering around the store was laughable. Chocolates, teddy bears, balloons, wine–nothing was safe. I unintentionally made eye contact with one man; the fear in his eyes was intense, as if I might seek out his significant other and tell her that he was frantically buying one of everything, 30 minutes before the store closes on the night before Valentine’s Day.

This morning, I took my first sip of coffee, and then said, “wow Sam. Two spoonfuls of sugar in your coffee?! What were you thinking!?” It seems I felt as though I needed something a little extra sweet on this day.

Yesterday, my boss said, “tomorrow’s a busy day. There’s a lot going on.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Time cards.”

“And??”

I drew a blank. “I don’t know–what’s tomorrow?”

“Valentine’s Day!” Oh yeah. That one.

My boss took his wife to the National Farm Machinery Show, although the truth of it is that he was taking his buddy (aka, his very adorable almost 4-year-old grandson), And she was the lady with the snacks. But in all honesty, as a man who can’t even give me a straight answer when asked, “how many tractors do you have,” being married to a woman willing to take the day off so he can admire large farm machinery, is hitting the wife jackpot.

Justin is 7,000 miles away. Also, we’ve never really done anything for Valentine’s Day. I would certainly not expect him to ever be the frantic, panicking fool at 7pm in February 13th!

He did treat me to new jewelry–it was just a matter of finding a location for it. I had industrial dreams, but alas, space is limited. I might have gone a little piercing crazy in my teens (and no, the purple lines are not permanent).

Obviously, a new piercing or two is not everyone’s idea of a Valentine’s Day dream come true. I guess this is my version of the Farm Machinery Convention. Maybe next year I can finally convince him to get matching tattoos.

Just kidding–we are not doing that.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Embrace the awkward.

Lost in Translation

I woke up this morning to a screen-shot of a conversation between Justin and the guys he works with.

“Why did [a student] tell me that he thinks [Justin] has nice breast!”

“[Another student] said that too.”

They aren’t wrong–my husband has great boobs. Or, pecs. This summer I had to explain this to Xander after he started asking, “what do I have to do to get boobs like Dad?” Oh gosh, pecs, my dear. Men call them pecs.

This also isn’t the first time that hilarity has ensued at Justin’s new(ish) job. While he tells me that most of them speak better English than he does, there are still plenty of awkward moments.

Last week, Justin shared a snippet of a review a student gave of the course. What could the instructor improve: “Makes me hard.” Hmm…

I am constantly left thinking of The Princess Bride: “I do not think it means what you think it means.”

There was also the student who wrote “I died on Friday,” which I can relate to, because it’s usually my statement after every Torture with Terry session. I. Died. I can picture at least 5 young ladies at the pool making that same statement, “OMG, I died on Friday.”

Justin, you might just have the most comical job ever.

 

 

 

Out of the Heads of Moms

My son is extremely inquisitive. He asks a lot of “man” questions that end up with me responding, “go ask your Father,” because they’re anatomy-related, and I don’t know about boy stuff. And I am way too awkward to answer questions at 6am, such as, “Mom, what’s with this up-ness,” while he’s peeing.

Last night, completely out of the blue, Xander asked, “Mom? Where do babies come out of?”

This could go terribly wrong. I instantly began picturing Xander telling his friends all about the mysteries of childbirth. I could say they pop out of your belly button, but that is not factual. Chickens poop out eggs, but again, this does not pertain to humans. “What do you mean?” I’m stalling.

“You know. When people have babies? Which way do they come out?”

This I can answer. “head first.”

I pause. I wait for the follow-up question, that I’m sure will leave me with no choice but to properly answer the original question.

“Oh…ok…Head first…ok.”

And just like that, crisis averted.

My 7-year-old is most likely picturing something along the lines of Athena emerging out of the head of Zeus.

I’ll take it.

 

Teach Me to Hunt

Let’s get one thing straight: I have never, in my 35 1/2 years, shot a gun. I’ll give you a moment to gasp, or pass out, or shout, “wait, what?!” I know, I know, Infantry Husband, who shoots guns frequently, blah blah blah. Nope, no desire.

My disinclination to shoot a weapon has not stopped Captain SparklePaws from trying desperately to teach me, or anyone in this house, how to hunt.

In another case of stolen valor, you’re about to learn that Captain SparklePaws has not served a day in the military. He is an awesome, polydactyl cat (which, by the way, is a real thing and not a deformity).

I’ve lost count of the number of dead mice gifts this year, let alone ever. Thanks, Captain.

After Emma came along, Captain gave up on the pathetic humans in the house, and worked on teaching her.

Step 1: Introduce dead mouse; observe new cat’s reaction.

– New cat swallowed mouse whole. Success.

Step 2: Bring home mostly dead mouse and see what new cat does with it.

– New cat chased, caught, and ate mostly dead mouse, while human chased her shouting, “Emma, NO!” Success.

Step 3: Bring home live mouse and watch new cat hunt, catch, and kill it.

– Human keeps saving mice, but on the rare occasion she doesn’t get to them, the new cat has been 100% successful with mouse hunting. My work here is done.

Also, I’m not crazy (says everyone who is crazy, but isn’t willing to admit it)–Captain really is entirely unaware that Emma is a 50lb boxer. We probably should’ve had the older sibling talk with Captain: Yes, she’s smaller than you, and you can beat up on her now, but someday she’ll be bigger than you, and she’ll be winning these little wrestling matches. That talk should’ve happened a year ago–now it’s too late and it goes more like, “Emma, get Captain’s head out of your mouth.” Siblings.

Back to hunting–now that Captain has had so much success with teaching Emma how to hunt, he’s back to teaching the humans, because we’re still just the worst.

He also stares at me like I’m a total jerk when I throw the mouse pieces (yeah. I said pieces) over our fence. All while Emma bounces around, basically saying, “no wait, Mom, what are you doing! He brought that mouse butt for ME!!!” Then she stares at me like I am the meanest human on the face of this earth.

Last week, I threw a head-on-backwards mouse, left handed, in the dark, without my glasses on…the next morning I realized it was not only hanging from our fence (like some Vlad the Impaler-style warning to the mouse community: STAY AWAY), but it had frozen to the fence. Which took a bit of kicking, and a bit of apologizing (to the mouse).

Just a sampling of the delicacies brought to our patio.

Thank you for all of this, Captain, but I think it’s time you accept that I will not ever be impressed with your gifts.

Tonight, I found a head. I’m not sure if he thought, “maybe she’d like to try a different piece of mouse,” or perhaps he got carried away snacking and forgot that he promised Emma the whole mouse.

Or maybe it was a guilt thing: “you didn’t check to make sure I was in the house before you left for work, and I had to eat the entire mouse!”

Honestly though, is anyone else wondering what happened to the other mice heads?? Do you think he has some creepy mouse head trophy room? Do cats keep trophies? I’m putting way too much thought into this.