Tag: Parenting

I’m Stuck in Social-Distancing Prison

And time keeps dragging’ on.

It’s actually not been that bad. I can’t say that time’s moving at a normal rate, but it’s better than the never-ending month that was March.

All over the country, states are making the final decisions on the school year. Alabama was actually one of the first 6 states to make the decision, way back on March 26. Honestly, I had already announced that my children would not be going back this school year. I even went so far as to say I would be willing to go to jail–I don’t know about every state, but in Alabama, if your child has more than 7 unexcused absences in a semester, the parent can be charged with Truancy…and spend up to a year in prison.

Which makes me sound like a rebel. I was willing to do jail time to keep my kids safe.

Of course, then Justin and I were watching a show last night, and there was a scene in a prison bathroom–with 6 toilets placed in the center of a room like a porcelain flower. Justin said, “you couldn’t go to jail.” Nope. Nope nope nope. That is every single one of my nightmares.

I can’t even pee in front of Justin–I certainly wouldn’t be able to in front of strangers! He teases me because, after 15 years I still lock the bathroom every time I go in. But I am not about to have him, or anyone else, bust in on me. My sisters tease me–the man has seen me birth babies. He’s seen me be episiotomized…episiotomied…he watched a German doctor “take garden sheers” to my vagina, in order to extract Shea rapidly. He almost passed out, by the way (Rangers are only tough when they aren’t dealing with blood of their loved ones).

So, the truth of the matter is, I’m grateful schools are closed for the rest of the school year–I wouldn’t last a day in jail. At least this way, I only have to last 23 more days as School Teacher!

Land of a Thousand 3rd Grade Words

Playing teacher these past 5 weeks (minus one, since Spring Break did happen somewhere in there) has taught me a lot.

  1. I remember the basics from government–thank goodness.
  2. I know the names of most shapes–again, phew.
  3. I struggle with keeping children focused–this is a given, seeing as though I can’t even keep myself focused (I even put fun stained glass window clings on our front windows so I would stop staring at and judging our neighbors for NOT social distancing. Now I just stare and think, “ooh, rainbows”).
  4. I am awful at defining words.

I know words. And now I sound an idiot. “Hey, look at me, I know something!” While I know the definition of words, I have a hard time putting that into words. For example:
“Mom, what does generalize mean?”
“It means. To make a general statement. Big picture. You know.”

Blank stare of confusion. You obviously don’t know.

I have been put on the spot to play human dictionary multiple times this week.
“What does multiple mean?”

This was often an issue I struggled with in school. Don’t ask me to write down the definition of words, because you’re going to get a bunch of nonsense. I just know what it means, and let that be good enough. For me…but when you’re supposed to be assisting a 9 year old with his science, and you can’t spit out a definition that is helpful, well, go ahead and hang up your teaching hat–you’re failing.

Also, it is really frustrating to try and teach tiny human version of me. I would like to apologize to every teacher in the history of my education who had to deal with my slow, meticulous, daydreamy way of learning. There are 5 weeks left of school; I’ll be lucky if Xander finishes in 10…months.

Sorry for the distractibility gene. ADD is a bitch.

Take This Job and Shove It

Day One of Google Classroom was expected to be a success. I had glanced over the assignments each child had in advance. I split school hours between both kids, so they would have an hour of school time and and hour of some other time. We started school at 9; by 9:30, I was ready to start drinking.

Which is crazy, because I don’t drink!

Ok…during Coronapocalypse I have taken to enjoying one drink each night, while I make dinner. But Justin said it doesn’t even count, because my “drink” is a 24oz pineapple smoothie with one shot of Malibu. Also, it takes me about 4 hours to drink it. What can I say, I know how to party.

I understand that we’re all new to this, and with it being the first day of online classroom biz, there are bound to be some glitches. Except the glitch rate is about 90%.

Last night while Justin and I were getting ready for bed, I foolishly said, “the kids’ assignments are posted for the entire week–who knows, maybe they’ll be completely finished by the end of tomorrow!” What’s the saying? If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? Well, guess who’s having a good hard laugh today?

By 3pm I had already gone on strike and quit my job…except that I can’t go on strike, and if I quit, my kids will never finish school.

On the plus side, both kids completed their PE assignment for the day. Yey PE, for making us all feel like something has been accomplished!

I ran away from home, to work on prepping what will soon be my fruit grove? Garden? Area? Whatever, I have fruit trees that need to be planted, and the location needs work. And I needed a break from Google Classroom. Anyway, I stumbled upon my favorite tree frog in the shed–I’m assuming she’s also a mom, and is most likely hiding from her kids. 2,000 tadpoles, and not a single one will listen!

Also, out of my list of tasks I had hoped to have completed by 3pm, I have managed to was a load of laundry, and fold 2 shirts. Yup, this is going to be a great two months!

P.S. Any teacher who is doing the creating portion of this school work, as well as teaching their own children: bless you.

I Can’t See Clearly Now, My Glasses are Gone

My son is the king of leaving his glasses everywhere. He might be really good about wearing them for a week, and then I might not see them for a month–they have been MIA since the start of Coronapocalypse.

Once upon a time, I also left my glasses everywhere. I don’t know why I was so thoroughly against wearing them. Maybe because I got my first pair at 6, and was the only kid in my class with glasses. I would accidentally lose them (yes Mom, the 2 months that they were lost and gone forever….on the bottom shelf of my nightstand, I honestly did not remember putting them there. I promise); I would intentionally leave them at home. I did all I could to not wear them. Which I look back on now and think how crazy that is. But now, if I tried to walk across my bedroom without my glasses, chances are, I would die.

On the days I would “accidentally” leave my glasses at home, at some point in the day I would look up to see my Mom walking at me, waving them in the air, announcing, “Sammi!!! You forgot your glasses!!!” It probably was not nearly that dramatic. But in my mind, she might as well have been carrying a megaphone: “Attention! May I have your attention please! Would Sammi please stop leaving her glasses at home, because I’m just going to keep bringing them to her at school!”
Of course, that was basically double embarrassment–now everyone will know that, not only do I wear glasses, but…..I have a mother! Oh the shame.

I am much less in denial these days. Yes, I do have a mom. And also, I wear glasses…when I’m not wearing contacts (which is most of the time).

Xander’s issue is less embarrassment than it is his total inability to remember where he leaves his things. I have found his glasses on the kitchen counter, in my nightstand, floating around in his backpack. They have spent days in my van, and I’ve even found them tucked away in the shoe rack. And, in his defense, he comes by this completely honestly. I have also found my “lost” phone in my sock drawer, the refrigerator, and also on the shoe rack.

For the past 3 weeks, I have been under the assumption that he had once again left them at school. With Coronapocalypse closing schools for the rest of the year, I had accepted they were lost and gone forever…until the school notified us that we had to drop off school packets and library books today! There might be home for these glasses yet!

Unfortunately, today during “pick up this school biz so you can get to work teaching your kids for the rest of the school year,” the Principal sent someone in to check his desk. Hello, glasses, are you there?? No?? Ok. Alas, no glasses.

I can’t wait to locate them in an unopened box of cereal. Or in his back pocket. Neither place would surprise me. If he walked downstairs wearing them right now and told me he’s been wearing them this whole time, that wouldn’t even surprise me.

Don’t Stop Me, Cuz I’m Havin’ a Good Cry, Havin’ a Good Cry Now!

When you live just west of the Chattahoochee, chances are you live in the crazy Eastern/Central limbo we inhabit. Our newspaper comes out of Georgia, Justin works in Georgia…well, that’s not really true. Fort Benning is a little bit in Georgia; a little bit in Alabama; a lotta bit a world unto itself. 95% of our shopping takes place on the east side of the Hooch (sorry Alabama–I have yet to embrace Rainbow Foods). It’s just the way it is.

A majority of time, it makes no difference. Who cares what side of that dirty river Alan Jackson sang about, we’re on.

Until, of course, Coronapocalypse came to Earth and said, “hey, wanna see something crazy?!” Now, suddenly, it’s all about what side of the river you land on.

Last night I received a notification from our local newspaper (out of Georgia). The governor of Georgia had announced that schools will now be closed through April 24th. Hmm…further down the article, it tells me what I need to know: Governor Ivey has cancelled the rest of the school year.

Hold up. Excuse me?! Can we just take a minute and think about this?!

via GIPHY

I am not a teacher. I am not pro-homeschool. I am not prepared for this!!! Furthermore, no one seems to know just how this is going to work. Thus far, my children’s learning has taken place via a 40-60 page packet of school work (half of which I know Xander has previously done for homework. You’re fooling no one, 3rd grade packet).

These are wild and crazy times. I don’t want to go out into the world and I certainly don’t want to send my children back to school. As of right now, our county has 1 case, and the neighboring Alabama county has 47. Alabama is still relatively low on the list of positive cases in the country. This state has 1/4 the population of NYS. But, do you know who doesn’t care about your state’s population?? Covid-19. Way back, 13 days ago, NYS had roughly the same number of cases that Alabama has right now. At this exact moment, New York state has more positive cases than France and the UK combined. By tomorrow, the number will have increased again. That’s the wild and crazy thing about exponential growth.

I am not ready to find out what this disease will do as it works its way across Rural America. Yes, it’s destroying large cities, but large cities also have doctors and hospitals. There are towns in Alabama where they can’t even afford to pave roads–doctors are not nearby. What happens to these people.

I have stockpiled a good amount of alcohol–which is weird for a person who hasn’t consumed alcohol since July (No, I’m not a recovering alcoholic or anything like that–I just don’t drink. Although, I might start attending online AA meetings: GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO GET THROUGH THIS ).

Alabama will decide what to do with this school year by April 6–how they plan on educating roughly a million children, so they can move on to the next grade. That is the moment when we can really kick our panic into high gear.

I’m going to go make myself a Malibu and Pineapple smoothie, and spend the next 8 hours drinking it (I’m a seriously cheap date). And I’m going to ignore the impending doom that is my children’s education!!!