Tag: People-Watching

Contraband Masks, and Shower Caps

In Coronapocalypse, grocery shopping can only happen once school is done for the week. Luckily, Shea was done by Thursday morning, and Xander was…..well, close enough.

As I drove into Georgia, I began to wonder if this was a good life choice. Friday was the first day the state was beginning the reopening process. Would the grocery store be crazy, because the world was out living it up? Or would it be empty, because everyone was getting their roots touched up?

It seemed typical for Aldi, but as I walked to the door, the unfortunate employee who had to stand outside (this is the south, and it’s already hot) and clean every cart, informed me they had reached 50 shoppers, and would I please stand on the X. Absolutely! The next couple who walked up weren’t so impressed with rule-following–he asked them to please stand on the next X, as they were at “capacity,” and the couple continued to stand directly in the doorway. When another patron walked up, he once again explained that they were at capacity, and would they please stand on the next X. The response was, “how were we supposed to know that if you didn’t tell us.” I rolled my eyes hard, but then remembered I still had sunglasses on, so no one saw–probably for the best.

After a full 90 seconds of waiting, I was allowed to go inside. It looked just as overcrowded as the tiny Aldi always looks. I got a lot of nasty looks and rude comments: “that is a lot of food.” Well, I’m not leaving my house for 2 more weeks, so mind your beeswax! No…instead I would smile (which goes unseen under a mask), and would say, “you don’t realize how much extra food you’ll need for 2 kids and a husband at home all day every day!” Which is mostly a lie–my husband is not home any more than he was before. But my kids do eat nonstop. And also, mind your beeswax. I don’t hoard buy–I 2-week-supply buy.

Then I began to take notice of all that was going on around me. As a lifetime sufferer of ADD, I flip between being hyper focused and unobservant, to daydreamy and ultra-observant. Of all the women in the store, 1/4 of them were wearing either shower caps, or scrub caps. What. Is. Happening.

I feel like there are a number of public service announcements that need to be made. The newest seems to be: just because you see a nurse wearing something, that does not meant you will be safer by wearing it too. You don’t need gloves (eww), unless you plan on changing your gloves every time you touch something (honestly, if I thought about the number of gloves required to grocery shop without cross-contamination, I would need a whole box). Masks do you no good if you only wear them over your mouth (unless you have corks crammed up your nostrils, this is silly). And now, scrub caps are NOT SAVING YOU!!! What exactly do they think the purpose of the scrub cap is?? No Coronapocalypse fad has confused me this much.

On my drive home, I looked in my rearview mirror and noticed a man, alone in his car, wearing a mask. Oh my gosh, this has to stop. But wait! At the next light, I saw he had taken it off! Alas, perhaps he just forgot he was wearing it. He was also smoking a cigarette–whatever, you do you, buddy…until he finished his cigarette and put the mask back on. With smarts like that, you’re better of just staying home.

Also, I’ve been making contraband face masks. The SGM of the Army put out guidance, telling soldiers not to use uniforms to make masks (because they’re dipped in chemicals…great). This guidance came out after I had already made Justin 4 multi-cam masks, that he handed out to friends at work. And now, even though they are illegal (well, not illegal…just, not recommended), it’s what everyone wants. “But they’re not allowed.”
“He wants multi-cam.”
“But…they said…”
“He wants multi-cam.”
Great. So, when the shakedown happens, and these soldiers crack under pressure and give up their supplier, I’m going straight to Guantanamo Bay. Which I’m assuming is worse than prison. Which I’ve already established, is a place I couldn’t handle. I’m doomed.

Little Green Tree Froggie

The problem with Stay-at-Home orders across the country isn’t that I can’t get my hair done, or can’t do any of the other things I never did anyway. The problem with the Stay-at-Home order, is that everyone else is home to see me be…well, me.

Yesterday I was mowing my front yard. It seems like a relatively straight-forward task. Until–HOP!!! A giant tree frog hopped away from my mower. Instantly I stopped, and spent the next 2 minutes chasing it across my yard. While talking to it. “Stop. Jumping! Let me catch you so I can save you!”

Is this the first time I’ve stopped mowing to save an amphibian? Of course it isn’t! Last week I temporarily relocated 2 toads and a salamander. It happens pretty much every time I mow. I am not about to commit Amphibicide.

The only difference now, as compared to 6 weeks ago–my neighbors are all home to see me running around my yard, harassing Kermit’s family members. And also, rather than finding new amphibifriends (kissing them to make sure they aren’t under a witch’s spell), and setting them free, now I’m running to my house screaming, “Shea! Xander! Look what I found!!!” Like the adult that I am.

Ok, I don’t kiss frogs–or any other amphibians. But I do get overly excited when I realize last season’s tenants have moved back in to the usual tree frog locations. underneath a small overhang above the back door. In a nook in the shed. And now my random amphibian trio living underneath a splash block.

Georgia is getting ready to ease up on their stay at home order; Alabama isn’t making any changes yet. Honestly, I want everyone to stay safe and avoid this horrible virus. Maybe I can just get sign for my front yard: Caution–This Homeowner Rescues Frogs.

What would the Lorax version for Amphibians be? That would be me.

I’m just going to keep saving my frogs, and relocating them to the back yard…where I can talk to them without the random neighbor seeing me!

Land of a Thousand 3rd Grade Words

Playing teacher these past 5 weeks (minus one, since Spring Break did happen somewhere in there) has taught me a lot.

  1. I remember the basics from government–thank goodness.
  2. I know the names of most shapes–again, phew.
  3. I struggle with keeping children focused–this is a given, seeing as though I can’t even keep myself focused (I even put fun stained glass window clings on our front windows so I would stop staring at and judging our neighbors for NOT social distancing. Now I just stare and think, “ooh, rainbows”).
  4. I am awful at defining words.

I know words. And now I sound an idiot. “Hey, look at me, I know something!” While I know the definition of words, I have a hard time putting that into words. For example:
“Mom, what does generalize mean?”
“It means. To make a general statement. Big picture. You know.”

Blank stare of confusion. You obviously don’t know.

I have been put on the spot to play human dictionary multiple times this week.
“What does multiple mean?”

This was often an issue I struggled with in school. Don’t ask me to write down the definition of words, because you’re going to get a bunch of nonsense. I just know what it means, and let that be good enough. For me…but when you’re supposed to be assisting a 9 year old with his science, and you can’t spit out a definition that is helpful, well, go ahead and hang up your teaching hat–you’re failing.

Also, it is really frustrating to try and teach tiny human version of me. I would like to apologize to every teacher in the history of my education who had to deal with my slow, meticulous, daydreamy way of learning. There are 5 weeks left of school; I’ll be lucky if Xander finishes in 10…months.

Sorry for the distractibility gene. ADD is a bitch.

S-A-F-E-T-Y Safety Mask

You can mask if you want to…although these days, it’s mostly mandatory. This is my gift to you: The Rules of Proper Masking.

As I left the commissary this morning, after my emergency juice and ice cream run (First World Problems ain’t got nothin’ on me), I once again saw many people driving around, wearing masks. Folks, if you are the only person in your car, you do not need to wear a mask. Also, since we’re all social distancing, the only people in your vehicle should be the individuals you live with, therefore there is no reason to ever wear a mask while driving.

To make it easier for you to grasp, here are some silly comparisons:

via GIPHY

I like to go kayaking, so before I leave the house, I put my lifejacket on…and then put the kayak on the car and head to the lake.

I always wear my bike helmet while driving to the bike path.

I’ve never gone spelunking, but I’ve heard the best way to get ready is to put your harness on before you leave the house. Also, wear your repelling rope like a sash. It might make sitting in your car uncomfortable, but you can never be too prepared.

via GIPHY

Swim goggles should be put on your eyeballs before you even put your bathing suit on.

Ok, in all fairness to goggle wearers, Xander has been known to wear his goggles in the shower and the bath. And while running through the sprinkler. But hopefully before you hop into the driver’s seat of your empty car, you will pause and think, “wait…do I need to drive to the store with the mask on??” Nope–just…put it on when you get there.

For the record, I hate this so much.

Unless your face is cold? Then I guess do it up. You do you. Just….PLEASE, promise you won’t put nitrile gloves on at 8am when you leave the house, and go about your life as those they are creating a magic forcefield of safety around you. That is really not how gloves work, and when you go around touching everything with your glove hands, you make me cringe. Does your doctor wear the same pair of gloves all day? Does the food service employee make food, scrub the floor, and take your money without changing their gloves–ok…the answer to that one should be no. The answer to both of them should be no!!! If you don’t want the medic to stitch up my forehead and then take your temperature without changing their gloves, what makes you think tossing a pair of gloves on for the day will keep you protected from anything!?

Save PPE, Ms Dependent Ma’am, You Really Can

Today was our first adventure outside the house since The Great Aldi Trip of Last Thursday. The day didn’t get off to the best start, so I wasn’t thoroughly looking forward to the adventure, but it seems kids need to eat. Every day.

I started the day off by putting on a pair of LuLaRoe leggings–not to actually leave the house in. Just so I wouldn’t be wandering around the house in my underwear. For all you ladies who are “obsessed” with LuLaRoe leggings…I’m sorry but something is wrong with you. It’s probably more likely that there’s something wrong with me, since so many people are in love with them. They’re soft, don’t get me wrong, but they give me hot flashes! No, I’m serious! My legs overheat and then my entire body breaks out into sweat. Which, is pretty much my normal, but I checked my temperature twice this morning, concerned that Justin brought me Covid-19 from work, before I realized it was these damn pants.
That aren’t even flattering. You go girl, if you have to confidence to leave the house in these things. And again, maybe it’s just me, but I pop a pair of LuLaRoe leggings on and instantly look like the really sexy love child of Danny DeVito and Sally O’Malley. For the record, these were hand-me-downs/ups/overs. Whatever, my sister gave them to me.

via GIPHY

Hot and sweaty is something I’m good at. It’s basically a way of life for me. However, if the temperature is above 50 degrees, I can’t even hang out in those super soft, super unflattering leggings. The 2 hours I had them on this morning were a terrible idea. I changed out of my At Home Leggings, and into my Leaving the House Workout Pants, which Justin says are just as unflattering, but he can’t be trusted–he wears the same outfit. Every. Single. Day. I can’t believe no one has ever called him out for it!

My weather app also starts every day by sending me a warning that my allergies are going to make me want to tear my eyeballs out. Also, did you know that itchy eyeballs is now on the list of symptoms for Covid-19?! I mean, it’s more of a viral pink eye situation, than it is an allergy eye thing. But still. It’s like Alabama wants me walking around, looking like Patient Zero. “Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her eyes. They are like, so red and swollen.” Thanks, Coronavirus, for perfectly aligning with allergy season. Tree pollen, freshly mowed grass, and wisteria from here until tomorrow.

My gosh, I’m more sidetracked than usual! Let me just get right to it.

PPE: Gloves. Face Masks. You know, the items that hospitals are begging for?! People seem to be mildly confused about how it all works.

As I pulled onto post today, to play another round of 30 Items or Less, I watched the woman driving ahead of me try to hand her ID card to the gate guard–woah woah woah, that could send us to threat level We’re All Gonna Die!!! During Coronapocalypse, you hold out your ID card so they can scan the back, and then flip it over so they can see the front. We aren’t doing the whole touching thing anymore.
So yes, she was confused about the ID card scanning policy (this is why I usual get in the U-Scan line). But even more confusing was that the woman was driving around alone in her vehicle, wearing a mask and gloves. Medical grade gloves–not those vinyl food grade babies I have for tie dye and hair dye and whatever else I want to use them for. What the heck are you protecting yourself from in your car? If you have coronavirus, you can’t give it to you.

Well, that was confusing. But I guess I get it. Not everyone understands what’s going on. These are scary times. And also, 3 of the 4 cases in the county happen to be people with ties to Fort Benning, so I’m sure that has People in a Pandemic Panic.

Once at the commissary, I watched multiple cars drive through the parking lot. At least half of them were being driven by seniors wearing masks and gloves! What’s going on here!?!? There weren’t even that many people inside the store wearing PPE, and yet here are people in vehicles occupied by only themselves, wearing their PPE. I bet their trunks were also full of toilet paper. Folks, if you Panic Purchased PPE, please don’t feel obligated to wear them all day, every day. I don’t see you out and about in toilet paper ballgowns, so just keep a box for your worldly adventures, and donate the rest to a hospital! Consider it your good deed for the day–or even for all of Coronapocalypse!

My receipt is sitting in front of me at my desk–oh my god, I had 31 items! In the 30 or less aisle?! It’s a miracle the MPs didn’t come and cart me off to Commissary Jail.

As for my LuLaRoe Leggings–they will be going into hiding until cold weather is upon us again. Voluntary hot flashes are no way to start the day.